Katya — "Behind the closed doors"

Предисловие

Всё получается не так как нам бы хотелась... в нашей жизни всё бывает или слишком рано или слишком поздно, но вот чтобы что-то случилось с нами вовремя — это большая редкость.

Любишь ты — не любят тебя, уходишь — начинают тянуться...

Глупо как-то...

Хочется исправить расписание и поставить во всех колонках слово "Вовремя..."

                                                            ***

   I fall asleep and wake up again, but not from the light of the sun. The rain tapping on my window wakes me up. I want to tell you, to let you know, but I make mistakes again — this small thought just slips away, leaving me alone. It’s there, inside, and I can’t hide it. I’m trying to find the right words in my mind, and I find them, but I still trip on them. So hard to breathe; hard to see in a crimson love. I’m alone here but I feel like my room is crowded. Loud music is getting in my ears, taking me away from reality. I think about my past and see nothing but my own mistakes staring back at me. And still, I hear the laughing and crying. His laughing and crying. It seems to be so easy, but why does this happen in the world? It comes to me so suddenly and then it goes away just as it came. Yes, I’m still here — all that’s left of yesterday. I tried to stand it and to understand it. But I see his silhouette again and the sorrow of my soul flattens me harder and harder. I hear that voice again, which calls my name and takes me back to my past.

    How happy I was back then, with you next to me. You drew our new world so bright, and now you’re leaving it. I only wish I could be there again, feel it once more. I keep coming back to that street where we used to walk every night; I keep coming back to that bench where we used to sit in the park; I keep staring at the lilies in my room because it was your flower. I need to remember all this to breathe. Just dreaming of you running out of the corner and hugging me like you used to. I’m dreaming to see your face again; to see the searing flash in your eyes; to touch your smooth, deep, warm, ginger-colored skin again; to hear your gentle voice again. Please, just call me quietly by my name. Call my name… I always knew you were The One. I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you. How did it all start?... Yes, you walked to me and just told me how beautiful I was. And at that moment I was lost in the bottomless ocean of your eyes, your almond-shaped hazel eyes. Those eyes gave me so many seconds of happiness. I know that every single second I spent with you was meant to be. That was the purpose of my life — to meet you and be with you.

    Well, I didn’t know then that Life was slowly taking away everything I had. It was taking all these moment of happiness. It was taking You away. All my dreams are doomed to failure. None of them will ever come true. Nobody will be able to change my life. I can’t even trust myself anymore. I’m living in the silent city of broken dreams. This all is just a lie living for me so I can hide. See, I understand it. Now for me the truth is the lie so I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. It’s so confusing. And now I’m seventeen. I am seventeen and have nothing inside of me but a broken heart and dead soul. Now that look in your eyes that I still keep in my mind throws me into the abyss of fear and emptiness because I know I can’t see it anymore. Tell me why can’t I be there, where you are? I would give my own life for yours, but I can’t because of this scary boundary — you’re there and I’m here.

    I will never forget that night. The night when they took you away from me. I remember it all clearly. That night I found that it won’t ever be the same. You came to pick me up from school at three o’clock and we went to buy a present for Karina because it was her birthday, and she was having a party. I know, it may sound weird, but I felt that there was something wrong that day. I didn’t tell you anything about it and just ignored that feeling. I didn’t really want to be at the party, but I thought it would be rude if we left. Well, when it was time to go, I totally forgot that we didn’t have any gas in the car, so we didn’t go straight home. When we were going to the gas station, I felt very strange again. I felt like someone was watching me, but I ignored that too. When we were going out of the store, I wasn’t really paying attention to anything around. So when suddenly the three guys came out of nowhere and started talking to you, I didn’t even understand what was going on. I thought I’d never seen them before, but one of them, the tall one, looked very familiar. Now I remember — I saw him talking and arguing with you the other day. But I had no idea about what. Well, now I know. By now, they were saying something about you having to pay some old debt off. I couldn’t understand much of this conversation, but I knew there was something I didn’t know about. That tall guy was looking at me so weird while he was talking to you. I didn’t know what was going on and who they were, but I could see that you had known them for a long time and didn’t really enjoy talking to them. I’ll never forget the fragrance of lilies and dark blue sky from that night. Yes, lilies… your flowers. I’ll never forget that presentiment of fear, of losing, of slipping away, but with the smile on the dry lips. You asked me to go and wait for you in the car, and even though I didn’t want to, I still did so. I could see through the dark and dirty windows of the car how your face started to change dramatically and I wondered what was going on. My cell phone started ringing and it scared me; I didn’t answer though, I just turned it off. That’s what distracted me from paying close attention to what was happening. I’ll never forget how suddenly I heard that scary “Bang! Bang! Bang!” and turned around to see you falling on the ground and three guys getting in their cars and driving away. I slowly realized what was happening and fear was crawling under my skin. What could I do? My throat had gone dry and my blood was running cold. I got out of the car and ran to you. I was just praying to see that you were alive. And you were. Suddenly there was the loudest silence I’ve ever heard. It was tearing my mind apart. So many words for my broken heart. I didn’t notice how people came there or anything else. Someone called the police and the ambulance. There was the sound of sirens; everything was drowning in the flashing light from the police cars. But all I could see was your pale face and your eyes. Life was dying inside of you. I heard you promising me with a shaky voice to love me no matter what and not to ever forget me, but I kept telling you it wasn’t the end, that you would live, that you can’t leave me here even though deep inside I knew it was the end. When the ambulance came, they took you away and wouldn’t let me go with you. Later, in the hospital I waited for hours. That’s what it seemed to me. Seconds… minutes… hours… Eternity… waiting. Maybe it was just ten minutes, or maybe twenty minutes, or maybe less or more. I don’t know. It felt like I was in trance; like I wasn’t even alive; like I was a character in someone’s dream. And then suddenly I knew I wasn’t sleeping — someone came to me and I could read everything in their eyes. They didn’t even have to say anything. I understood everything from there. I didn’t say anything; I just stared into nowhere and then slowly started walking away. All these crazy thoughts were racing through my mind. As I went outside I was walking so fast, I was almost running. I was sweating. It was cold and soon it started raining. I was running through the empty streets and the tears were burning my face. I didn’t know where I was going, but I wouldn’t stop moving. I just couldn’t comprehend it — you are not here anymore. You’re gone somewhere and I can’t bring you back. Just somewhere far away. No, no, NO! I’m looking around but only to see that it’s not like I imagined it all in my mind. That’s when I promised you to make it up somehow for your death. Well… this is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel. I have nothing to lose now. Everything’s falling apart; my life is falling apart. And this is the deepest wound in my heart.

    When I finally came home, I locked myself in my room and didn’t go anywhere. I kept hearing your voice but you were talking to me in riddles; I couldn’t understand what you were saying. I was so exhausted... I was just sitting in the darkness and going through all my memories. A panorama of my dreams that used to be reality, that’s what it was. My words are so cold and sharp, I’m afraid to hurt you. I realized that I had a different view on the world at that point. I thought that I couldn’t run away from my destiny. So why not make a step straight to her? Just meet with her right now. I played my role in this play. Finally a heavy sleep came and let me rest from my grief and melancholy.

    The next morning when I awoke, I just laid and listened to my alarm clock going on and off for maybe an hour. I found myself pondering many life’s questions I knew I could not answer. But all my thoughts led back to you. Now it was the second day of being alone. My heart was frozen. The only thing I could do to melt it was to see you again. And then I thought… “Tomorrow is the last chance. Tomorrow is the funeral. I can see you for the last time. But how can I go? I can’t. I have to. I’m going. Maybe that would take me across that boundary between us forever…”Again, I felt like I was in a scary dream of someone. I don’t remember how I got there or who I talked to. All I remember is a cloudy sky and you lying in flowers. Yes, you are leaving this world and that was your last journey, in flowers. The wind brought the fragrance of lilies around again… How it reminded me of you! You’re leaving and not coming back. I was just standing there and looking at you. This was my life, my dreams dying with you. My soul was dying with you. You looked as if you were sleeping. Your eyes closed; your skin looked so pale — almost transparent, like a shadow. Even this still made you look beautiful. The candle light blinded my mind and I felt tears streaming down my face. How hard I tried to take the pain away, but I only hurt more. So much more.

    …there were only a few feet separating you and me. You were almost in front of me, but I missed you. And I still miss you so bad. I hope you can hear me. I just want you to know that I love you. But what is love anyway? Who made it up? Who woke up one morning and said “this is love”? We all need it from the moment we enter this world until the day we die. You know, I always thought that time was a valuable thing and that I shouldn’t let myself watch it fly out of the window… but it doesn’t matter now. Time has lost its power over me. I don’t need it anymore. I have made my decision — time doesn’t exist for me anymore because I’m going somewhere, where time doesn’t mean anything. I’m done with these guilty roads to an endless love. Life will go on like it never ends…but I’m going to go behind the closed doors… I’m going to look in the eyes of stone that observe the trends. The eyes of my Destiny. Yes, I am sacrificing my life to be with you. There is no point of living here without you. It’s just like stabbing me with a knife in the back. At least I know that I’m either going to stay with you forever, or I’m going to leave this world with only one splash of pain… and then I will be nothing. I feel how from all these emotions my heart is becoming numb…I keep looking at you… and it hurts me so much — to look at you like this. I never thought this would ever happen to me. I suddenly see whole intervals of my life... it’s too much for me… There’s no point of standing here, if I hurry up, I’ll see you soon. This is it. It’s coming. How hard it is — to turn away from you. But I must do it.

    My heart is pounding heavily because of the running from the cemetery; and tears, tears! I can’t stop crying. It’s so dark here, only the light of the moon is falling on the wall in front of me. The beat of your name is in my pulse. And I just keep asking why. Why they did this to us? I’m just going to leave everything behind this line and step into the nothingness.

   I feel the cold steel of your knife is pressing against me. How shiny it is in the light of the moon. It’s made in the shape of a dragon…oh, and the soft fragrance of lilies is coming to me… how symbolic. I wonder if the knife is sharp. Without thinking, I’m running the blade across my wrist. I see blood on the knife. It’s not shining as bright in the moonlight anymore…Pain, pain...a big splash of pain. I feel faintly dizzy. Now I see my life, my past, just like a movie. And I’m the main character in it. But nobody will even remember me soon. What am I? Just another small person in this huge world. They probably won’t even notice that I’m gone. I see the brightest star in the sky…it’s light is covering everything around me. I’ve never seen anything like this in my life...and it reminds me of you. This bright star, my star... and I’m going there, to that star, to you. I’ll be able to touch you again; to close my eyes, to fall asleep, and never wake up from that sleep. I feel how my wound is healing with this pain… I will never come back for more… Mama, papa, forgive me…