Сана Таранцова — The letter… the letter…

Maybe it is going to be The Letter…

Despite the fact that I know you are determined to not believe me, (and I don’t blame you — for most people this is a result of living in this world,) — I am still writing, I am still talking, you are still in my life. It feels like there is much to say and at the same time it feels, like I have already said it all… that is why I left — I knew I said and have done it all for the time. Since I left, however, I’ve seen you understanding and excepting things you’ve rejected before. I guess it is normal. I know it is normal. I’ve seen it happening in my very own life before. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to see and figure out and accept things.

I am not a saint, Dwayne. Thou, it never stopped me from striving to do things perfectly to the best of my ability. Sometimes even to the extreme, as other people could see it. I know about it and I am working on it, thanks to you, for the past couple of years. I don’t know yet if I have made a progress, but at least I have realized that I have to adjust that part of my character. Dwayne, I came from a very different place, than anything you have ever known. It is not an excuse. It is a fact. We all learn to act in accordance with our experiences and sometimes we don’t even know that there is a different way to do things in life. That is from people’s differences come from.

I was conditioned to survive. Just try to remember the time in you life when you had to do things you hated a lot, but did because you knew — it is the only way to survive. Humiliation, dissatisfaction, fear and self-hatred for not being able to be free just because you wanted to be alive. Don’t tell me you never had it. I know you had. I am not saying that I know what you have experienced, I am just saying that I know how it feels. And when you born with it, when you raised with it and when you still able to see that it is not normal, that is what brought me here, to America. But before I left I got my portion of survival school. I understand, it is not necessary here, in the States. But I am still a fighter. I live in this surviving mode. That is — doing you best, which means THE BEST, or you are going to be smashed.

When I decided to marry you, all I wanted was to have my pier. Finally, belong somewhere, where I am welcomed just for me. The way I am, broken and tired, but still full of ability and desire to build the family, belong once and forever, have my ground and do whatever it takes, TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY, which was explained above, to have and keep that family… was that a problem? Could be... I did not care who you are, what you are or about anything not positive I knew about you. Or it was a part of my exception of you? Listening to the things you have done, decisions in you life, consequences, looking at your family, your son… I think, actually it was a part of it. Looking at you I was hoping that you are not going to judge me for my past mistakes, my infidelities, my failure to protect myself against the world at any cost… because, I thought, since you knew your mistakes, you have taken responsibilities for them and therefore you know and really understand that mistakes it is what we do, but more importantly, its what we are able to overcome and maybe even fix… I was naïve enough to believe that it my work the other way as well. I believed that if I would open you my most horrible secrets, you would see, that is ok, we both are humans, just broken humans and we could help each other to stay strong against any future problems together, back to back. I believed that you could believe me. I believed in you and I wanted to be there. With you. I am sorry for being that naïve. And young. I am truly sorry I walked into your life one day, crushing whatever you have had put together for yourself. I am sorry and the Heaven is my witness. I am sorry for changing your life and for seeing you unhappy now as a result of my existence… but you know what? Me, personally, I don’t regret a minute of it. It was not easy but especially because of it I believe now there was a reason for me to be born when I was and to endure what I have before I came here and met you and to do what I have done. I am proud of those years I have spend with you, fighting, living, trying, wishing better for you, even if it was my own perspective. I am also proud of leaving you, for I know it was a right thing to do. I am proud of having guts to not leave the company, for I believe, (and you can laugh now!) we are great business partners. I am proud of seeing you changed. Because of me! When you are talking about things you would prefer to avoid before, when I see you taking responsibilities, when you are brave enough to be brave…

I loved you because God gave me that gift.

There is always a reasons, there is always a reason...

Письма. Сиэтл, январь 2009